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SexLimericks.com

::::::::::  A Big List Of Dirty Limericks  ::::::::::

A businesslike harlot named Draper
once tried an unusual caper.
What made it so nice
was you got it half-price
if you brought in her ad from the paper.
A newlywed bride, Mrs. Young
asked the doctor to fix her torn lung.
When asked how it ripped
she replied as she stripped,
"That man I married is hung".

A young airline stewardess, May,
has achieved the ultimate lay.
She was screwed without quittin’
from New York to Great Britain
it is clear that she’s come a long way.
A horny young sailor named Clark
picked up a slut in a park.
She was ugly and crude
and a horror when nude,
but she was good for a spell in the dark.

There once was a fellow named Mark
who spread a girls legs in the dark
He said "Now by thunder
it’s a natural wonder
I declare this a National Park".
The 80-year-old accused of rape was called Mort,
And the judge said, "Sir, you'll have to be tried in court."
But the jury was sympathetic,
Because Mort was sick, old, and pathetic,
And the evidence wouldn't stand up in court.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose dong was so long he could suck it.
He walked down the street,
Just a swinging his meat.
While he carried he's balls in a bucket.
There was a young man who's dong
Was prodigiously, massively long
Down the sides of his whang,
two testes did hang
Which attracted a curious throng

There was a young lady from China
Who mistook for her mouth, her vagina
Her clitoris huge
she covered with rouge
And lipsticked her labia minor
There once was a man from Flint Rock,
He strung violin strings from his cock,
and with an erection he could play a selection
from Johann Sebastian Bach

A morbid cocksucker named Pete
went down on a corpse as a treat.
To his wonderous surprise
The dead cock did rise
And lifted poor Pete off his feet.
There once was a man from Japan
Who's name was Mr. Dan
He had a lady friend in China
With a great big vagina
And she said, "Screw me as fast as you can!"

A man met his woman in the store
who happened to be a real whore
When they got to the fucking
there was some serious sucking
and when they where done, she begged for more.
There once was a man from Eeling,
who pounded his pud with great feeling,
then like a trout he would stick his mouth out
and wait for the drops from the ceiling.

Their once was a man from Carlisle,
Who found it quite hard to smile.
His wife said "'ere Frank, I'll give ya a Wank"
And that made him smile for a while
There was a young woman from Leeds
who swallowed a packet of seeds,
within an hour her clit was a flower
and her ass was a garden of weeds.

Now there was a young man from Havana
who'd do any trick for a tanner,
his favorite trick was to stand on his dick
and tighten his balls with a spanner.
There once was a mother of three
Who liked to go down on her knees
Using her mouth
She'd go all the way south
And best of all was she'd do it for free.

A fixer of cars do I know
Who’s not like a regular joe
For while giving great sex
He’ll adorn his love’s neck
with a scarf, sweetly tied in a bow!
There was a young man from Madroot,
Whose had eight warts on his root.
He poured acid on these,
And now when he pees,
He fingers his root like a flute.

A Limerick Story by L.J. Hagen
A very large woman from Rome
Had sex with a gnome named Jerome
Between her legs he was tossed
Until he finally got lost
And couldn’t find his way home
In a tunnel darker than hell
Jerome was getting sick from the smell
Much to his relief
Came a thunderous quief
And into a porcelain lake he fell
Now Jerome was not one to complain
But just then it started to rain
He had to swim
His way to the rim
And climbed his way over the stain
He knew it was sink or swim
So he clawed his way onto the rim
He fell to the ground
And it was there that he found
His old friend Tiny Tim
Now Tim had his own story to tell
He had already been through hell
He had wrestled a fur-ball
A three legged gerbil
And holy shit did he smell
Looking for a way out of the house
They happened upon a mouse
The mouse warned them that
The bitch had a cat
And a shit eating hound named Claus
Well they didn’t like what he heard
After all Tim smelled like a terd
And then there was the cat
Jerome resembled a wet rat
Their escape must now be detoured
The mouse said “ I know a route”
That will get you both safely out
You can climb up through the shutter
And into the gutter
And slide right down the spout
Jerome said “that’s a fine plan”
But I have to go to the can
Tim said “we can’t take the chance”
Just shit your pants
So off to the shutter they ran
They got there with no time to spare
The bitch was on her way there
She had heard all the noise
And was in need of some toys
To stick up her large Dari air
They hurried up through the shutter
Like a hot knife cutting through butter
Then Jerome cried “I gotta go”
And pooped wouldn’t you know
He was riding his terd down the gutter
The shit was quite slippery indeed
He was gaining on Tim in speed
Jerome was concerned
And Tim was discerned
Of the accident about to impede
Tim was the first one to hit
Followed by Jerome and his shit
There was a noise & a crash
And stuck up Tim’s ass
Jerome’s head did sit.
This wouldn’t be an easy task
Pulling Jerome’s head out of Tim’s ass
Jerome started to swear
I’m running out of air
Hurry, do something fast
Disheveled and light headed from stink
Tim quickly started to think
He knew in his heart
He just had to fart
Jerome would be out in a blink.
He had heard of a sailor from Belize
Who would fart every time that he’d sneeze
He’d do so with such force
The trade winds changed course
And Tsunamis would ravage the seas
That’s what Tim decided to do
He let out a big HAA CHOO
Then came a rumbling sound
That shook the ground
And out of his ass Jerome’s flew
Jerome sat gasping for air
Of course Tim didn’t care
He was covered with shit
And throwing a fit
As Jerome sat in despair
Now if you ever go visit Rome
And happen across Tim and Jerome
If you can handle the smell
Go wish them well
They are still in search of there home.
The End
A rebellious young girl named Alice,
Pissed in the archbishop's chalice.
Think as you might,
It was not out of spite,
But simply pure protestant malice.


There once was a girl from despatch
who had a rectangular snatch
her boyfriend, a patrician
a mathematician
had a square root to match.


There once was a fellow named Avery
who's sex habits were most unsavory
amid screeches and howls
he deflowered young owls
which he kept in an underground aviary.


There was a lady from the Azores
Whose snatch was covered with sores
The dogs in the street
Nipped at her feet
And the green goo that hung from her drawers


There is an old man from Brewster
Who said to his wife as he goosed her
"That used to be grand
Now look at my hand,
You don't wipe as good as you useta!"


Our new outdoor movie emporium
Is not just a fake auditorium
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium


There once was a whore from Verdun
who was screwed by a midget for fun
The poor little runt fell into her cunt
and was born the twin of his son.


There once was a woman from Cape Cod,
who thought that babies were the gift of God.
But it wasn't the Almighty who lifted her nightie,
it was Roger the Lodger by God.


There was a young lady named Gloria,
Whose boyfriend said "I wanna explore ya."
She said "Listen old chap,
I'll give you a map,
By them that's been there before ya."


I once knew a girl named JoAnn
Who could jack off her twat like a man,
A spectacular stunt,
The spurt from her cunt
Nearly filled up a ten-gallon can.


There once was a man named Nick
Who was so ugly that you’d shit a brick
When he tried to get laid
Even AIDS ran away
Helen Keller couldn’t even be tricked


A soggy booby faggot named Nick
Once took a startling shit
In panic he flushed
But the bowl just gushed
Spraying feces and muck at his dick


There was a hermaphrodite runt
Which had both a cock and a cunt.
When itself tried to fuck
It fell shit out of luck -
Seems the deed was just too stiff a stunt!

There was a young chap named McGee
Who buggered an ape in a tree
The result was quite horrid, all ass and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee.

There once was a once was a woman from Nantucket
Who's cunt was the size of a bucket
A man with a penis
the size of Venus
Split it apart when he fucked it
There once was couple from New Delhi
who used to dance Belly to belly
One Day in there haste
they used wallpaper paste
Instead of petroleum jelly

There was a young man name of Buck
and boy did he like to fuck
But his Doc was a quack
gave his dick a hard whack
Now he's just shit out of luck
The resident curate of Waverly,
Indulged a peculiar knavery;
With lascivious howls,
He deflowered young owls,
Which he kept in an underground aviary.

there was an old lady from ivor
who walked on a bus with a fiver
she slipped on the mat
opened her pratt
and pissed all over the driver
there was a young man from rotham
who took out his balls to wash em
his wife said jack
if u dont put em back
ill jump in ur hands and squash em

there was a young man called rashime
who invented the wanking machine
on the 99th stroke
the fuckin thing broke
and his balls ended up supreme
A whimsical fellow named block
who could beat the bass drum with his cock
with a special erection
he could play a selection
from yojhan sebastian bach

There was an old whore named Dot
Who could read debit cards with her twat
She said "'Fore you get hard
Take your MasterCard
And swipe it stripe down through my slot."
There was a young sailor named Doug
Who paddled about in a jug
He jerked off without fear
'Till the coastguard came near
Then asked if they'd give him a tug.


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