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::::::::::  A Big List Of Dirty Limericks  ::::::::::

There once was a boy dressed in blue,
Out looking for someone to screw.
But a lady in red
Gave him such good head,
That he came so unscrewed that he's through.
There once was an army recruit,
Whose dick could stand up and salute.
But a gay army sarge,
Gave him a discharge,
So don't ask, don't tell and don't shoot.

The once was a man from Hong Kong,
Who tied a large rock to his dong.
In the East he gained fame,
And all knew him by name,
This man they called Hee Hung So Long.
His dick is most surely a dilly,
A grand and marvelous Willie.
His gal loves to give head,
But most often instead,
He ends by just screwing her silly.

There once was a monk in Siberia
Whose existence got steadily drearier.
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done
And made her a mother superior!
"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it,"
said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"

There was a young lady whose thighs
Were unique as to colour and size
When she opened them wide
With the rainbow they'd collide
And fill all the young men with sighs!
There once was a coed named Mary
Whose box was unusually hairy.
When she opened her thighs,
There in front of your eyes,
Was a patch that's both dark and real scary!

I once knew a girl from Calais
who thought she was terminally gay
'till she sat on a cock
that was hard a as a rock
now she'll go either way!
A farmer I know named O'Doole
Has a long and incredible tool.
He can use it to plow,
Or to diddle a cow,
Or just as a cue stick for pool.

There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
Now I know the perfection
Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.

There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain!
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"

A lissome psychotic named Jane
Once kissed every man on a train;
Said she, "Please don't panic!
I'm just nymphomanic.
It wouldn't be fun if I were sane."
Said a pretty young whore from Hong Kong
To a long pronged patron named Wong,
"They say my vagina's
The nicest in China;
Don't ruin it by doing it wrong."

There once was a girl from Nantucket
whose pussy was big as a bucket
I put my dick in
and said with a grin
I'm gonna need a fence post to fuck it
A spiritual healer named Lee
Ducked into the alley to pee
He pissed in the eye
Of this blind homeless guy
Who screamed "Holy shit! I can see!

There was a young man from Lainus
Who emitted an odor quite heinous
As people passed by
Many started to cry
Turns out there’s a leak in his anus
They switched to the topic of sex,
which left them both quickly perplexed
'cause she was still virgin,
and and he stunk like sturgeon,
and both were as old as a t-rex.

There was a young man from Darjeelin
who got on a train board for Ealing
it said on the door
don't come on the floor
so he carefully came on the ceiling
There was a young girl from Madrid
who swore that she'd never been rid
along came a halion
with balls like a stallion
and rid her like Billy the Kid

A nudist by the name of Roger Peet
Loved to dance in the snow and the sleet,
But one chilly December
He froze every member,
And retired to a monkish retreat.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantookit.

A young man whose sight was myopic
Thought sex an incredible topic.
So poor were his eyes,
That despite its great size,
His penis appeared microscopic.
There once was a queer from Rangoon
who invited a lesbian up to his room
they did argue and fight
all thru the night
as to who would do what to whom

There was a young lady named Myrtle
Who had an affair with a turtle,
She had crabs, so the say,
In a year and a day,
Which proves that the turtle was fertile.
There was a young lady named Sharkey
Who had an affair with a darkey.
The result of her sins
Was quadruplets, not twins,
One white, and one black, and two khaki.

There was a young girl from Mauritius,
Who said "that last shag was delicious" ....
"But next time you cum"
"Can u cum up me bum"
"Cos that scab on your knob is suspicious!"
A fellow who lived in New Guinea
Was known as a silly young ninny.
He utterly lacked
Good judgment and tacked,
For he told a plump girl she was skinny.

There once was a man from Beijing
Who invented a jack off machine
He put his prick in it
Done a thousand beats a minute
And turned his poor balls to cream
There once was a man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
You must admit
She smelled like shit
Bug imagine the money he saved

There once was a young man who...
laid an extraordinary long poo.
He let out a scream!
Can this be a dream?
That'll never flush down the loo
There was a young tart from Southend,
Who tried lesbian sex with her friend;
With a moan and a grunt,
She licked her mates cunt;
And loved the experience no end.

There once was a girl from Aboritzwith
Who used to take flour to the mill to bake crisps with,
But the miller's son Jack,
laid her flat on her back,
and united the organs they pissed with.
There was a young woman from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
She laid on her back
Opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling

There was a young Lady called tart
Who felt she needed a fart
She stepped outside
And to her surprise
Blew over a horse and cart
There once was an artist named Saint,
Who swallowed some samples of paint.
All shades of the spectrum
Flowed out of his rectum
With a colourful lack of restraint

There was a young woman from Crewe
Who said as the Bishop withdrew
The Vicar is slicker
and quicker and thicker
and 12 inches longer than you
There was a fishmonger called Babs,
Who sold cod, skate, place and dabs;
But she had sex with me,
And caught my VD;
And now she's a purveyor of crabs.

There was an old pervert from Notts,
Who loved licking young ladies botts;
Whilst rimming one tart,
She passed a wet fart;
And covered his face in brown spots.
There once was a man form Calcutta
who had a good fuck in a gutter
a copper walked by
got cum in his eye
and thought it was anchor best butter

There was a young gigolo named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing one thing i do know.
While women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
Llamas are numero uno!"
Said Old father William I'm humble,
And getting too old for a tumble,
But produce me a blonde,
And i'm still not beyond,
An attempt at an interesting fumble

There were three young maidens of twickenham,
Who wanted Tom, Harry, and Dick in 'em,
They prayed hard to Venus
Saying, "Surely, between us",
We can lengthen, and strengthen, and thicken'em
There was a young man of kildare,
Who was having a girl in a chair,
At the sixtieth stroke
The bloody thing broke
And his rifle went off in the air.

There was an old girl from Kilkenny,
Whose usual charge was a penny.
But for half of that sum
You could roger her bum
A source of amusement for many.
There once was a man named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
she had only one tit,
and smelled worse than shit,
but think of the money Dave saved.

There once was a man from York
who picked his nose with a fork
when it got stuck
he said "i don't give a fuck"
and walked around looking like a dork
There was a young man from St. Rose
whose love life was so full of woes
he loved sixty-nine
he'd do it all the time
but always got shit on his nose

There once was a man named Adair
That was fucking his bitch on the stairs
But the banister broke,
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in midair
A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
And don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too."

A girl from 9-0-2-1-0
Came to D.C. to find men to blow.
She padded her knees
To be at full ease.
At 1-6-0-0? Who can know?
A D.A who'd just passed the bar
Told Monica, "Come as you are.
There's no need to dress
We don't want to mess
With evidence you can show Starr."

A right-wing spin doctor who's spun
Lurid tales about Monica's fun
Exclaimed when his eyes
Saw the fruit of his lies
"We've gotten O.J. off page one!"
They wanted to put Bill in jail
For using his house to chase tail
But the judge wasn't fooled
Saw no crime so he ruled:
"Not guilty! He didn't inhale."

There once was a lady from France
Who took a long train ride by chance.
The engineer fucked her
before the conductor.
while the fireman came in his pants.
There once was a girl from Lahore
Who’d lie on a rug on the floor.
In a manner uncanny,
she’d wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls to the core.

When I was young and had no sense
I had a piss on an electric fence
It tickled me prick and shivered me balls
And made me shit me overalls!
There once was a man from Rangoon
Who was born nine months too soon.
He didn’t have the luck to be born by a fuck
So he was scraped off the sheets with a spoon!

There was on old man called Tucker
Who was a randy old fucker.
He’d line up a chick
And pull out his dick,
Then tell the whole world that
he’d fucked her!
There once was a girl from Mitchen
Who was scratching her twat in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose, You’ve got crabs I suppose."
She said, "Yes and the fuckers are itchin’!"

A widow who fancied a man some
Was diddled three times in a hansome.
When she clamored for more
Her young man became sore
And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."

There Once Was A Girl From Shrilanka
Whose Cunt Was As Big As A Tanker
You Could Go For A Swim
In The Depths Of Her Quim
And You Needed A Lamppost To Wank Her
There once was a girl from Azores,
Whose cunt was all covered in sores,
the men who got pussed,
were desperate for lust,
and licked up what was left in her drawers.

There once was a man from Australia
Whose backside he painted like a dahlia
The colour it was fine
likewise the design
but the aroma, aah that was a failure
There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pig shit and snot
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat

There once was a Rabbi named Keith
Who circumcised boys with his teeth
It wasn't for leisure
or sexual pleasure
But to get to the cheese underneath
There once was a harlot name Sumi
Whose pussy was not very roomy
Because of this
She was a popular Miss
And never once drove clients loony!

There was a young lady from Brewster
Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her,
But her panties were thin
And my finger slipped in
And it still just don't smell like it used ter.
There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who said "Shit! Your hole is a tight one!"
Said the girl, "Shut your face!
"You're in the wrong place!
"There's plenty of room in the right one!"

That wily old pervert St. Nick
Made good use of the curve to his dick
He glazed the whole shaft
Painted stripes, then he laughed
As he offered young ladies a lick
The naughty old bishop of Birmingham
buggered two boys whilst confirming 'em
as they knelt before god
he pulled out his rod
and pumped his Episcopal sperm in 'em

There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.
There once was a man from Peru
Who was desperately hanging out for a screw.
He picked up a moll
And rammed home his pole
Then said, "Jesus, that was Long overdue."

Nymphomaniac Alice
Used a dynamite stick as a phallis.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.
My back aches, my pussy is sore;
I simply can't fuck any more;
I'm covered with sweat,
And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!

The vicar of Santa Domingo
Said to the curate, "By jingo!
Blast women and boys,
I need some new joys!"
And he promptly fucked a flamingo.
A lascivious monk from Dundee
Buggered a nun in a tree
While deep in her ass
He chanted High Mass
And even the Pope came to see

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